Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Heart

what is it about the organ called the heart?

why does it act out of character when our metaphorical ‘heart’ is affected?
the heart rate increases, palpitations flutter, even extra beats trying to make up for the flooding of blood in the ventricular cavities.
how ironic that happens to our ‘heart’ also.  when we are flooded by emotions, our ‘heart’ tries to make us compensate for what’s missing. 
how interesting that in both cases, it usually causes more damage than good.
then we are left to pick up the pieces of what’s left.  salvaging the heart with medications, diet, exercise, regular doctor visits, astronomical medical bills, etc. and we salvage our ‘heart’ by drinking or worse, dieting, exercising, regular friend visits, astronomical shopping bills, etc. 

whomever first associated the ‘heart’ with the heart must have known something. 

why is it that when our ‘heart’ is hit out of left field we are left dazed, confused, and need time to absorb it all?  maybe because the same is true for our physical heart. 

why is it that when we feel used or condescended to we want to go into zombie mode? 
just to not think( because you might think something that would remind you), to not feel ( for the obvious), to not talk to anybody (for fear of sounding more stupid than you already feel), to not listen (because you don’t want to hear one more song about love gone right or love gone wrong.  whatever happened to good metal?)

why do people think they need to be in ultimate control?  what’s wrong with letting go and just winging it?  be spontaneous.  what is it with adult friends that feel like they need to shield and protect you so much that you can’t even share everything with them for fear of being chastised?  is a babysitter really necessary? 

so now, i’m here venting, typing this because my head is spinning a mile a minute.  When I should be studying for a big chemistry test tomorrow and doing homework.  I can’t consume any caffeine because of the blasted PVCs.  i have to watch the sugar, so no peppermints.  I don’t smoke.  I rarely drink.  and now I have to watch my f-ing chocolate intake because it has freaking caffeine.  damn it all to hell in a f-ing hand basket lined with wisteria because wisteria is the flower to welcome someone new into your life in the language of flowers.  fuck it all.

I put on the face.  I put on the smile.  I put on the fabulous.  And that’s what people see.  That’s what they get.  The fabulous me.  Don’t they know that I bleed when I’m cut too?  Don’t they know that I have feelings too and life is not just about what lessons are we learning today?  Sometimes, life is just about sharing a moment with a friend.  or a potential friend.  Just sharing a moment.  That’s it.  Does that moment have to have some hidden meaning? no.  Does that moment have to have alterior motives?  no.  Just share a moment in time and space.  Enjoy the company.  Smile.  Laugh.  Whatever.  Share your thoughts if you wish.  Share your dreams if you wish.  Share whatever.  Share a beautiful song, share a dance, share a sunrise.  share a cup of coffee and share a goodbye.  it doesn’t matter.  

it doesn’t matter.

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