Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I saw a butterfly cocoon the other day.  It got me to thinking.  *DANGEROUS*  I know!

All the yuck that it went through as a squirmy grody little caterpillar.  Then to fight its way out of such a sturdy strong cocoon.  It has to struggle to get out or else its wings would not be strong enough to fly once released from its inprisonment.

Realizing that power to free itself, it goes into the world gathers with other beautiful magnificent butterflies.  And think of the tiny little winds each of them create.  Have you ever seen a butterfly swarm...  beautiful, awe-inspiring, collectively productive.  Think of the ecological and environmental effects that groups of butterflies must have.  If such tiny little creatures have such a profound effect.  Why can't we?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Heart

what is it about the organ called the heart?

why does it act out of character when our metaphorical ‘heart’ is affected?
the heart rate increases, palpitations flutter, even extra beats trying to make up for the flooding of blood in the ventricular cavities.
how ironic that happens to our ‘heart’ also.  when we are flooded by emotions, our ‘heart’ tries to make us compensate for what’s missing. 
how interesting that in both cases, it usually causes more damage than good.
then we are left to pick up the pieces of what’s left.  salvaging the heart with medications, diet, exercise, regular doctor visits, astronomical medical bills, etc. and we salvage our ‘heart’ by drinking or worse, dieting, exercising, regular friend visits, astronomical shopping bills, etc. 

whomever first associated the ‘heart’ with the heart must have known something. 

why is it that when our ‘heart’ is hit out of left field we are left dazed, confused, and need time to absorb it all?  maybe because the same is true for our physical heart. 

why is it that when we feel used or condescended to we want to go into zombie mode? 
just to not think( because you might think something that would remind you), to not feel ( for the obvious), to not talk to anybody (for fear of sounding more stupid than you already feel), to not listen (because you don’t want to hear one more song about love gone right or love gone wrong.  whatever happened to good metal?)

why do people think they need to be in ultimate control?  what’s wrong with letting go and just winging it?  be spontaneous.  what is it with adult friends that feel like they need to shield and protect you so much that you can’t even share everything with them for fear of being chastised?  is a babysitter really necessary? 

so now, i’m here venting, typing this because my head is spinning a mile a minute.  When I should be studying for a big chemistry test tomorrow and doing homework.  I can’t consume any caffeine because of the blasted PVCs.  i have to watch the sugar, so no peppermints.  I don’t smoke.  I rarely drink.  and now I have to watch my f-ing chocolate intake because it has freaking caffeine.  damn it all to hell in a f-ing hand basket lined with wisteria because wisteria is the flower to welcome someone new into your life in the language of flowers.  fuck it all.

I put on the face.  I put on the smile.  I put on the fabulous.  And that’s what people see.  That’s what they get.  The fabulous me.  Don’t they know that I bleed when I’m cut too?  Don’t they know that I have feelings too and life is not just about what lessons are we learning today?  Sometimes, life is just about sharing a moment with a friend.  or a potential friend.  Just sharing a moment.  That’s it.  Does that moment have to have some hidden meaning? no.  Does that moment have to have alterior motives?  no.  Just share a moment in time and space.  Enjoy the company.  Smile.  Laugh.  Whatever.  Share your thoughts if you wish.  Share your dreams if you wish.  Share whatever.  Share a beautiful song, share a dance, share a sunrise.  share a cup of coffee and share a goodbye.  it doesn’t matter.  

it doesn’t matter.

Friday, April 09, 2010

just being a girl

I'm so glad when I chose to come to this earthly plane of existence, I decided to be a girl.

Otherwise, I would never have known the joy of skipping around when I was 5yrs old holding my best friends hand and giggling about boys.
Otherwise, I would never have kicked up my foot and swooned the first time a boy kissed me.
Otherwise, I would never have had the frilly skirts, make up, or high heels.
Otherwise, I would never have worn a white dress, walked down the aisle holding my daddy's hand with my heart all aflutter.
Otherwise, I would never have known the joy and magic of carrying my children in my womb, giving birth, and being called Mommy.

As women, we are soft, caring, nurturing, delicate creatures that can be as tough boot leather if needed to protect her children.

Yet, when we experience everything that life has to offer and do so with our hearts, we are considered the weaker sex.  Because we can be emotional, we must be weaker, we must not be complete, we must be "only a girl".  Then when we get aggravated or angry, it manifests as tears and frustration.  That makes it worse.  Because we know the whole world sees it as weakness.  It's so frustrating, it's so unfair.  Because we are passionate about our thoughts, ideas, and experiences, we obviously cannot think rationally.
Every day of creation is romantic to me.  I look at the sunrise in the morning and I see beauty.  I see the way families care for their loved ones at the hospital I work at.  I see the nurses go out of their way to care for their patients.  Not just their medical needs, but little things to make them happy too.
I see the way children react upon seeing baby animals of any kind.  I see the way the flowers bend in the breeze.  I notice when I see shapes in the clouds and I point them out to my children.  I notice the tiny grains of sand on the beach and wonder how much pressure was that rock under to become something so beautiful and sparkly?  I wonder how many people will smile today because someone smiled at them.

My head might be in the clouds, but my feet are firmly planted on Mother Earth.  
I'm not perfect.  But I do my best every chance I get.  I go out of my way to help people.  I am bettering myself in many ways by seeking knowledge through classes, books, and such.  
I am an excellent Mom.  Just ask my kids and the 50 kagillion quasi-kids that they go to school with.  I've done my fair share of baking cookies, going to games, cheering all the kids on even if mine had to sit on the bench.   I love music.  I sing in the shower.  I sing when I'm cleaning house.  I sing in the car.  I don't always know all the words.  Sometimes I'm a little off tune.  But it brings me joy and if nobody likes it they don't have to listen.  I don't ever litter.  I don't smoke.  Never have.  I only have a drink a couple times a year with the occasional "clear beer (smirnoff ice or triple black)" thrown in there rarely.  I'm a little bit fluffy, but am doing my best to eat right, exercise and the weight is coming off.  Slowly, but surely.  That's fine by me.  I love to watch a good movie.  Even if it makes me cry.  
I don't mind being sappy.  I don't mind being foufy.  I don't mind being girly.  Because I know that I am an intelligent woman with plans and goals and am working hard to achieve those goals.  It's very difficult sometimes when life happens and there's a setback and you're already digging yourself out of the trenches.  Sometimes, it's like how much more can I endure?  How much more? But I know that I have the strength to get through any hell this world has in store for me because I am a woman.  I know that I can be creative, fun-loving, eccentric, kooky, beautiful, and smart all at the same time because I am a woman.  I know that when internal struggles come my way, I can handle it, work through it, and be better than before I started out because I'm a woman and women were built to flourish.  Even if under the mud & muck like a Lotus.  I know that I can juggle 50 things at once and still get the kid to band practice on time, help the younger kid build a pinata for some project at school that by the way is due in the morning, make sure they eat something not horrible for them, play WoW for a little bit to get to spend fun time with my oldest kid who is away at college, do 3 loads of laundry, do 4 chapters of Chemistry homework, and cram for a 3 chapter Chemistry test in the morning.  Why?  Because I'm a woman.  Sometimes my life is not my own.  It's because of the choices I made for myself.  
We don't always make the right choices, but we always have to live with them, good, bad, or indifferent.  I am doing the very best that I can with what I have to work with.  My support system is me, myself, and I.  I make it every day because I have to.  I see romance and music in the sunrise every morning because I can't imagine enduring the rest of the day without it.  
I CHOOSE to be happy.  Every day.


Monday, April 05, 2010


Chemistry in Chemistry
Isn't it ironic the chemistry found in Chemistry.
The social dynamics and interactions found within are surprising not unlike the reactions from some of the lab exercises.  So, if chemistry is the complexities of the energy of life explained (ie. electrons, neutrons, protons), shouldn't the metaphysical be more widely accepted studies and not just what the weird people talk about.  Things that make you go hmmm.

Chemistry of Coffee
Then of course, there is this fascination with a very particular cup of coffee.  What does it say about a person who is consumed by wanton salivating thoughts of luscious creamy coffee?   Things that make you go mmmm.

Chemistry of Achievement
If a person were to achieve ultimate enlightenment, what would they then seek out?  Or would it then be a moment to savor, bask, and rest?  Would they be sad because the quest is over? Or would it be a new beginning to live and enjoy every breath with a new found fervor for life?